Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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