This is not my ceiling
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This baby is an asshole
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
