My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
