I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
