Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
