he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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