____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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