I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
