I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
its liver damage thursday
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
