we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
