tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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