Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
