Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
