My liver just broke up with me...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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