dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
