I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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