were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sext me about skeletons
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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