I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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