Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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