did you get engaged???
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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