I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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