Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
