New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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