I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
