I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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