This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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