I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
