when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
