i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
