why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
