Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
