worst night to have a conscience
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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