She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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