Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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