You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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