she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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