A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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