you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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