He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
