I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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