if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
