i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
