She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
