is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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