hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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