I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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