Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
