ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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