Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
