I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
