Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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