i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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