thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
