the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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