what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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