evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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