Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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