fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Hippo gnu deer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
