life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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